Ellen DeGeneres: We stock up on popcorn and candy like we’re crossing the Sierras, don’t we? “I’ll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you’ve got there, that bucket? You don’t have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? – Oh, and a Diet Coke.”
[referring to headset phones]
Ellen DeGeneres: Chances are if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it, too.
Ellen DeGeneres: All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. “Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?” “Yes, I have all those things! I’m alive!”
Ellen DeGeneres: We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, “I have a problem with procrastination, too.” I said “Really?… Get my sandwich.”
Ellen DeGeneres: …That woman in the shampoo commercial – she’s happy. She’s… she’s too happy.
Ellen DeGeneres: [about call-waiting] It’s turned into a mini people’s choice awards. Hasn’t it? And you find out right away who wins or loses.: You’re having a pleasant conversation with what you think is a good friend. You hear the click. They tell you to hold on. You’re confident they’re going to come back to you. And then they come back and they say, “I’ve got to take this other call.” And you know what that means what they just said to the other person? “Let me get rid of this other call.”
Ellen DeGeneres: What’s with this sudden choice of disorders we get right now? When I was a kid, we just had crazy people. That’s it, just crazy people.
Ellen DeGeneres: [about clear cell-phone reception] At least if there’s static or something you have a warning. You have an indication that you’re going to lose the call. Actually, there’s nothing worse than it being crystal-clear reception and you’ve been rambling on for who knows how long, only to find out that it cut off who knows how long ago.
Ellen DeGeneres: Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe’s way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you’re gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I’ve gotta stop I’ve gotta come to my senses, I’ve been out riding fences for so long… oops I did it again… um… What I’m trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don’t remember anything else that I’ve said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
[referring to old TV shows that were about nothing]
Ellen DeGeneres: When there’s time for whistling, there’s a lot of time on a show.
Ellen DeGeneres: I don’t want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He’s being chased by a lion. That’s stress. You’re not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I’ll tell you that right now.
Ellen DeGeneres: Our attention span is shot. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD – Too Busy Disorder.
Ellen DeGeneres: [about local news] They do these teases to get you to watch late on. They’re so incredibly cruel: ‘It could be the most deadly thing in the world and you may be having it for dinner. We’ll tell you what it is tonight at 11:00.’
Ellen DeGeneres: [about talking vs. communication] Even when we say, “How are you?” we don”t mean, “How are you?” – we don’t care. Just give us a “fine” or a “good” – a one syllyble answer and move along. And don”t even say “pretty good”. That’s a follow-up question: “pretty good” “something happen?… I don”t… have… time to…”
Ellen DeGeneres: [about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?
Ellen DeGeneres: Oh, she tripped, no she’s running. I thought she tripped, but she’s running. She stoped, she did trip. YOU TRIPPED!
[nodding at friend]
Ellen DeGeneres: She tripped.
Ellen DeGeneres: We’re doin all these things so we can squeeze things together so we can save time, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t have anymore time, I have less time. But let’s just say we could save up a whole chunk of time and set it aside, you know what we’d do with it? Nothing. Nothing at all. Isn’t that the point, to be able to do nothing at all? We’re not guaranteed that later-on chunk of time, all we have is here and now, and that’s why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination is not the problem, it is the solution. It is the universe’s way of saying, “Stop, slow down. You move too fast…”… Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres: What I’m trying to say is, if you leave here tonight, and you don’t remember anything else that I said, leave here and remember this, “Procrastinate Now! Don’t put it off.” Thank you.
Ellen DeGeneres: Procrastinate now. Don’t put it off.